Being Positive.

Starting today, I'm going to write about one positive thing that happened each day so that I don't kill myself due to severe depression. I'll write about a couple from a week ago to catch up.

I think one of my students has oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), which basically means whatever anyone says, he refuses to do, and he will cuss, yell, insult, and basically do anything to disrupt and show that he is the more powerful person. On many occasions I've been pushed, hit, and cussed out by the kid. Yet, I drive him home sometimes and let him sit with me during resource (supposedly teachers' alone planning time) and reteach math lessons to him (he misses a lot of lessons because he will run out of class and run around the building turning lights on and off). Basically, I don't know how to deal with the kid except try to be very patient with him all the time, and believe me, I've tried everything in the book.

Anyway, one day he wrote me a "Tootle," which is something the class does to compliment other people. It said:

tottles for Msr. Lyu. Msr. Lyu is caring helpful and sweet and kind to everybody help people Learn new stuff and also He Has a girl freind and some blanket and A picture of her on the phone.

Then, he drew a picture of himself and me at the bottom. I was very happy.

I know the writing doesn't show it, but this kid is one of the top scorers in math. He just gets it. I told him that I "knew some people" at UCLA and that I would send them his name so he could get some information. He was really excited about that... I worry about him a lot, because really, no one gives him a chance at school. Maybe one day he will go to UCLA. That would be awesome.

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Ok, this is a quick story. A few students were staying with me after school today. A long time ago, at the beginning of the year, I had tried to teach the scientific method. It's been a long time since we've done any science (I'm awful, I know). Half talking to myself, I said something about how so many people were absent today (6 kids were gone), and I wondered why that was the case. One of my students who had stayed behind to work on some things says, "That's an observation. And you asked a question about your observation." Those are the first two steps of the scientific method, and she is one of the last people I would have expected to remember that (I'm awful, I know). "That's right!" Nice surprise.

A Personal Pep Talk.

We read this to a camp session and for a lot of reasons (including a "bow") I really like it. Got me thinking.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed that as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She then pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, Mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity -- boiling water -- but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity? Do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor of your life. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate to another level?

How do you handle adversity? Are you changed by your surroundings or do you bring life, flavor, to them?

ARE YOU A CARROT, AN EGG, OR A COFFEE BEAN?

I'm not sure what I am. Right now, I feel like a carrot. Sometimes when I think about all the stuff my students are up against outside of school, I feel like an egg. I know I want to be the coffee bean, but I don’t know if I’m there.

Lull.

I have been feeling very lethargic and unmotivated lately...

While I was in camp I used to preach a lot about choice and attitude. It's really tough to actually follow through with all that stuff.

Here we go.

Smiles.

I'm going to kidnap one of my students and keep him forever.

We went to the library across the street today. I had to hold his hand because we needed to cross a busy road. Then, I helped him apply for his first ever library card. He borrowed a book on dogs and a book about leopards. He was so happy that I could have died.

Please Help.

The state tests are coming up in two weeks. We had our last round of "benchmark" tests a few weeks ago, and I found out that my students are averaging 59% as a class. I have two weeks to review everything we've learned this year. Even though I hold lunch and afterschool tutorials, I can't wrap my head around how I'm going to get them all to pass.

The teacher that some of my kids came to me from was Baltimore City's Teacher of the Year last year. He got 100% of his students to pass the MSA, and over the course of this year I've seen a number of those students fall lower and lower. Not to mention, the scores on the three benchmarks we've taken this year have steadily decreased. Apparently, the more I teach, the less they know.

I know that these tests don't mean everything. But, it's hard to not deeply question myself when these numbers are staring me in the face. I feel like I'm failing these kids.

And I thought I'd be a good teacher...

Tests!

The Maryland State Assessments are coming up in two weeks, and everyone is freaking out.

I think standardized tests are stupid (but I do believe they can be useful in some ways), but I am glad that they don't look anything like this.

"Eventually You Stop Caring."

I was in the copy room the other day with another teacher. We started making small talk, and I found out that she'd been teaching for five years. I told her about how it's tough figuring out ways to reach and teach every child. She told me that it's tough to feel that way your first year, but that I shouldn't worry. "Eventually," she said, "you'll just stop caring and it'll be a lot easier."

Slap me if I ever say that.