First Half Reflections.

It's been a while since I've written here, and due to my being lazy, I didn't write the reflection I wanted to write during the winter break. So, here I am, two days back in, trying to remember my euphoria-infused holiday cheer and recall the things I thought about when there was nothing to really worry about.

My first year of teaching so far...

It's been more difficult than I could have ever imagined. I still remember my interview back in November of 2009 (wow). The interviewer asked me what I thought my experience as a teacher would be like. I told her that I knew it would be difficult and that I in no way thought it was going to be all fun and games. "Still," I added, "I think that I'm ready for the difficult parts of teaching and working with children. What might be the most difficult will be moving to a new place and trying to make friends and take care of myself."

Little did I know that I would have this much trouble with teaching AND with taking care of myself.

Anyway, although this year has been stressful, although there have been a number of times when I have considered packing it up and just going back to California, I know I'll make it. There have been so many moments this year where my heart has threatened to leap out of my ribcage because I've been so happy or proud of my students' accomplishments.

Sixty multiplication facts in less than two minutes. Subtracting across zeros. Long division. Asking for help. Telling me that they love math. Correcting their own behavior to be a better member of the LXS. Saying that they expect more of themselves so they will work harder. Apologizing (in a low voice!) for accidentally stepping on someone. Accepting that apology!

When I really think about it, there is still much to do, and I could write a book about how I am falling short. It's often difficult to shake the feeling that if I don't get this right, I'm ruining lives. But, I can't let that completely overshadow the little things that I'm getting right.

There's nothing more obvious to me after this first half year than an understanding that the learning in the classroom is a two-way process. My students are certainly teaching me just as much, if not more, than I am teaching them. Strange that this obvious fact is often the first thing to be forgotten when frustration sets in.

Before I came to Baltimore, I read every day about education reform in the news. Every article that came across me became instant reading. I thought I understood the issue, the methods, the path forward. I was going to be part of that path, I thought. This experience has shaken me to the core. Where I used to watch, from 10,000 feet in the air, I saw everything in black and white. Now that I am in the classroom every day, I look around and see much more gray.

Forget Teach for America for a minute because I am just a teacher. This experience has been so humbling.  Teaching and moving over here has shown me how little I actually KNOW and how much I need to learn. It's broken my confidence down into little pieces and now I need to figure out how to put it back together. Whatever self-confidence I have after this experience, I know it will not be the same as what I had coming to Baltimore.

For now, I will move forward with a modest, "I think I can." We'll see where it goes from here.