Please Help.

The state tests are coming up in two weeks. We had our last round of "benchmark" tests a few weeks ago, and I found out that my students are averaging 59% as a class. I have two weeks to review everything we've learned this year. Even though I hold lunch and afterschool tutorials, I can't wrap my head around how I'm going to get them all to pass.

The teacher that some of my kids came to me from was Baltimore City's Teacher of the Year last year. He got 100% of his students to pass the MSA, and over the course of this year I've seen a number of those students fall lower and lower. Not to mention, the scores on the three benchmarks we've taken this year have steadily decreased. Apparently, the more I teach, the less they know.

I know that these tests don't mean everything. But, it's hard to not deeply question myself when these numbers are staring me in the face. I feel like I'm failing these kids.

And I thought I'd be a good teacher...

Tests!

The Maryland State Assessments are coming up in two weeks, and everyone is freaking out.

I think standardized tests are stupid (but I do believe they can be useful in some ways), but I am glad that they don't look anything like this.

"Eventually You Stop Caring."

I was in the copy room the other day with another teacher. We started making small talk, and I found out that she'd been teaching for five years. I told her about how it's tough figuring out ways to reach and teach every child. She told me that it's tough to feel that way your first year, but that I shouldn't worry. "Eventually," she said, "you'll just stop caring and it'll be a lot easier."

Slap me if I ever say that.

Thoughts on Snow.

I got my car washed today, because the salt from the roads can destroy it if I don't get it washed every couple of weeks. When I discovered this little tip, it further convinced me that I know absolutely nothing about living in cold/snowy places. (The first time it snowed here, I walked outside in my dress shoes and pants and literally struggled to figure out how to walk or where I should step and not get my clothes dirty.) Anyway, it's just so different from California, where if it looks like rain, I would decide NOT to get a car wash.

Yes, this was an absolutely pointless read for you, but I have nothing to really say about work and life at this time.

PS. I sprang for a Blu-Ray player just because I wanted to watch Planet Earth and Life in super hi-def. As I sit here in a dark room drinking a gin and tonic, I feel like I am somewhere else. My mind is completely blown. So worth it.

Facial Hair.

It started because I was too lazy to shave in the morning. It continued because I was curious what it would look like. It kept going because it was close to break and I wanted to see how accurate I could be in guessing my family's reaction.

I was dead on.

"Aaaaah! Shave it off! Shave it off!" -Mom
"HAH! What is that thing?" -Dad
"It looks like poo was rubbed on your face." -Charlene

General consensus among the other relatives present during Christmas: Get rid of it. I refused, and one day they physically wouldn't let me out of the house until I shaved. So, here are the before and after pictures. Let me say, the before picture was after a trim. It had been much thicker, and in my opinion, much manlier.

Before

After

The fuzz gave me at least four years. I'm back to looking like I'm 13.

First Half Reflections.

It's been a while since I've written here, and due to my being lazy, I didn't write the reflection I wanted to write during the winter break. So, here I am, two days back in, trying to remember my euphoria-infused holiday cheer and recall the things I thought about when there was nothing to really worry about.

My first year of teaching so far...

It's been more difficult than I could have ever imagined. I still remember my interview back in November of 2009 (wow). The interviewer asked me what I thought my experience as a teacher would be like. I told her that I knew it would be difficult and that I in no way thought it was going to be all fun and games. "Still," I added, "I think that I'm ready for the difficult parts of teaching and working with children. What might be the most difficult will be moving to a new place and trying to make friends and take care of myself."

Little did I know that I would have this much trouble with teaching AND with taking care of myself.

Anyway, although this year has been stressful, although there have been a number of times when I have considered packing it up and just going back to California, I know I'll make it. There have been so many moments this year where my heart has threatened to leap out of my ribcage because I've been so happy or proud of my students' accomplishments.

Sixty multiplication facts in less than two minutes. Subtracting across zeros. Long division. Asking for help. Telling me that they love math. Correcting their own behavior to be a better member of the LXS. Saying that they expect more of themselves so they will work harder. Apologizing (in a low voice!) for accidentally stepping on someone. Accepting that apology!

When I really think about it, there is still much to do, and I could write a book about how I am falling short. It's often difficult to shake the feeling that if I don't get this right, I'm ruining lives. But, I can't let that completely overshadow the little things that I'm getting right.

There's nothing more obvious to me after this first half year than an understanding that the learning in the classroom is a two-way process. My students are certainly teaching me just as much, if not more, than I am teaching them. Strange that this obvious fact is often the first thing to be forgotten when frustration sets in.

Before I came to Baltimore, I read every day about education reform in the news. Every article that came across me became instant reading. I thought I understood the issue, the methods, the path forward. I was going to be part of that path, I thought. This experience has shaken me to the core. Where I used to watch, from 10,000 feet in the air, I saw everything in black and white. Now that I am in the classroom every day, I look around and see much more gray.

Forget Teach for America for a minute because I am just a teacher. This experience has been so humbling.  Teaching and moving over here has shown me how little I actually KNOW and how much I need to learn. It's broken my confidence down into little pieces and now I need to figure out how to put it back together. Whatever self-confidence I have after this experience, I know it will not be the same as what I had coming to Baltimore.

For now, I will move forward with a modest, "I think I can." We'll see where it goes from here.

Knock, Knock.

One of my kids reading a knock, knock joke book, and he wanted to share a joke with me today. It was hilarious, but not in the way you would think.

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Jack."
"Jack, who?"
"Also included inside are 100s of other classic knock-knock jokes that will have you rolling on the floor laughing. Take a look inside to see!"

Yes, he was reading the teaser on the back cover, thinking it was a joke. Kids are fun.